Watch This: The Fabulous Beekman Boys

I have no idea what Planet Green is, but it's apparently a TV channel that I get that has my new favorite show:  The Fabulous Beekman Boys.  It is Hil. Arious.  Two city boys, Josh Kilmer-Purcell, a writer and former drag queen, and Dr. Brent Ridge, a former VP at Martha Stewart Omnimedia bought a mansion in upstate New York, and they've since decided to farm.  Hilarity ensues.  Dr. Ridge is total type A, and admits everything they know about farming, they learned from their employee Farmer John and the internet (at one point, the llama seems sick and Josh is googling to determine if they fed the llama something poisonous.)  Dr. Ridge wants the tractors to line up and the pigs clean for a party.  He's my kind of guy.

Not enough screen time is given to Farmer John.  I wish they had pictures of this guy on their web page that I could show you but he's this big, hulking guy who has a teeny girly voice, and begins crying when thinking about his goat herd, and how he wouldn't be able to keep them without Josh and Brent.

The only problem about this show is Husband spent weeks building this raised garden in the backyard and constantly wants me to go to a place called The Natural Gardner.  The last thing I need is for him to think we need to get a country house or farm, and this show isn't helping that situation.

I Am Not Cool Enough For: the Twilight Saga

I read Twilight.  I wanted to like it.  I really did.  But I didn't.  There was a lot of staring.  A lot.  And it's a book, so all that staring was quite impressive.  And there was so much missing in the dialog, apparently you were supposed to infer things by the staring, soI kept thinking that I missed a page or something (this was also after I had bought a book that had been mis-bound and so it literally skipped from one part to another, so I was particularly sensitive about this.)

I found the whole thing so boring, I've lost interest in typing about how boring it was.

I did see the movie.  It was just like the book.

Do this: See a movie at Gold Class Cinema

A Gold Class Cinema opened up near the house.  Word got out pretty quick that tickets were $30 a piece.  My first thought was, who the hell would ever pay that?

The answer is me.  And I'm only going to see movies there going forward (though I discovered that tickets are only $22 if you sign up for their free club).  Here's why:

• Husband always wants to get to the movies early to pick a seat.  Like an hour to 45 minutes early.  It's excruciating.  When you buy tickets for Gold Class, you get to pick your seats online, so there's no point in going early.  That's an hour of my time back, which is worth at least the cost of one of our tickets.
• The theatre sat maybe 40 people, tops, in recliners grouped in twos.  
• The seats were these squishy soft recliners that reclined all the way back.  One of the arms opened up for storage, and I could put my giant purse in it.  
• Husband said out loud that he wished he would have brought a jacket because it was cold in the theater.  They brought him a blanket.
• The theater serves food and drinks, and to order, you press a call button and someone comes and takes your order.
• The tray between the two recliners (for you to put your food and drinks) has a small light so you can actually SEE your food.  There's nothing more annoying than ordering a salad at a theater that serves food and then you can't see it.  

I only see 2-3 movies a year, and this is totally the way I'm going to see them going forward.  We went to a different theater a few months ago and the whole time I kept thinking that the movie would be so much better in my living room on our giant TV with Blu-Ray.  Since there's no call button at my house, Gold Class is the way to go.  

It was okay: Sex and the City 2

Yeah, I know that everyone else has seen Sex and the City 2, and I'm late to the game, but I have two little kids and see maybe 2-3 movies in the theater per year.  (And the only reason I saw this one is because we started taking Child2 to daycare yesterday so I have two days to get used to it before going back to work.)

I have to say I was disappointed.  While the movie wasn't necessarily bad, it wasn't good either.  It was the chick equivalent of a gratuitous action film, like "The Fast and the Furious."  You know it's not going to be great, but it's fun, and it is what it is.

The sad thing is, the HBO series wasn't like that at all.  I think the problem is that the writers (who may or may not be the same writers for the show--I don't know) have lost their edge.  In the series, characters had bad things happen to them (Carrie cheated on Aiden after getting engaged, Charlotte finally got married only to have her husband have an issue, Samantha got cancer, Miranda got pregnant when she wasn't read, and so on).  In this movie, nothing bad happens.  Actually, in the movie, nothing happens at all.  I think the writers have become fearful; they can't let anything bad happen to these characters because people will be upset, and they will lose their market.  But the more realistic situations is what made the series interesting, and the complete lack of a plot makes this movie just okay.

As always the clothes were beautiful, though ridiculous.  In one scene (which is also in the commercials), Charlotte's daughter puts her red painted hands on Charlotte's white skirt and stains it.  The skirt is a white vintage Valentino.  WHICH CHARLOTTE WAS WEARING TO MAKE CUPCAKES.  This morning, right after feeding the baby, he spit up into my cleavage.  I was still wearing my PJs, so it wasn't a big deal.  I'm a mom and I prepare for these things--like getting dressed AFTER feeding the baby, or wearing a t-shirt and jeans to bake in.

Oh dear: Toddlers and Tiaras

I can't help but get sucked into the train wreck that is TLC's Toddlers and Tiaras.  Simple concept: each show follows 2-3 toddlers as they prepare for a pageant.  Thank goodness for The Learning Channel because I knew nothing about this topic previously!

Child1 is 3 1/2 and has been taking dance at preschool for the last two years.  She's had three recitals and I was completely surprised when she actually danced in the most recent instead of standing on the stage pouting like she did the first two times.  So the fact that these toddlers go on stage at a pageant WILLINGLY is just amazing to me.

In addition to actually getting on the stage, then moving in a routine, the toddlers (who participate in a pageant genre known as "glitz") also get fake teeth (known as flippers), spray tans, nails done, make up and false eyelashes, and hairpieces put in.  And Child1 won't let me put her hair into a ponytail or use barrettes even if her hair is in her face!

The parents are of course the most interesting part of this, because who would do this to their child?  After much watching, I've determined the answer is:   former beauty queens, rich people with too much time on their hands, and poor parents who would overextend themselves thinking this will bring their children fame and fortune.

In case you can't find Toddlers and Tiara on TV (which would be amazing because I swear they run the show at least 6 times a day), WE ("Television For Women") also has a version called Little Miss Perfect, which follows toddlers as they compete in the pageant by that name. My favorite part is when the pageant host sings the song "Little Miss Perfect" which was specially written for the pageant.  You can't help but cringe!

Oh dear: 16 and Pregnant

While on maternity leave and having to feed a baby every 2 - 3 hours, I've had the opportunity to watch lots of crap television.  One of the more ridiculously addictive shows I've seen is MTV's  "16 and Pregnant".  The concept is pretty simple:  stupid teenager gets pregnant and has baby.  Generally, the first 45 minutes are spent with the pregnant teenager and the last 15 minutes are spent with the baby and new mom.  Teenager generally has a boyfriend, who is also a teenager and an idiot.

I have to say, watching this a few weeks after having Child2, and extremely sleep deprived, I kept screaming to the television, "USE A CONDOM YOU MORON!"  Having a baby is really hard--and I have a great husband, a great job, and great child care.  I can't imagine doing it without all of these things, or being 16 and even trying to do it, plus go to school.  And to me, the real point the show could be making is following the moms and babies more after the baby is born instead of glamorizing pregnancy and showing a whopping 15 minutes of post baby life while showing prevent teen pregnancy commercials (including a PSA with Bristol Palin).  Show a crying teenager after the 50th night in a row of not sleeping more than 2 hours at a time if you want to show how hard it is to have a baby.  But who would want to watch THAT show?

I Am Not Cool Enough For: the iPad

I am a geek.  I love gadgets.  I bought a first generation iPhone, and while I didn't buy it the week or day it came out, I bought it soon and I love it.  Later, Husband got one too and we both upgraded to the 3GS last summer.  Child1 uses one of our old phones for car and restaurant entertainment.

So, when the iPad announcement finally happened, I was intrigued.  I was also very pregnant and looking for a mobile device to read books on.  I'm an extremely fast reader and when I had Child1, I spent a lot of time nursing her and reading.  And she took forever to eat, so I read A Lot.  And there's nothing more annoying than finishing a book at 3am and having nothing else to read.  So, I began looking for a mobile reading device so I could buy books any time I wanted. I evaluated the iPad, the Nook, and the Kindle.

I ruled out the Nook because of reviews that complained about page "turning" speed (though I really liked the Nook loaning books feature.)  I ruled out the iPad almost immediately because of size and weight.  At 10" and 1.5 lbs, it's too heavy to hold with one hand, which is the only number of free hands I have when dealing with a baby.  I chose the Kindle.

(Interestingly, I use other devices to read my Kindle books.  I also have a netbook and using the Kindle software, I read books on it as well as my iPhone.  And it doesn't matter what device I use, they all know what page I'm on.)

Husband really wanted the iPad, reserved one, and stood in line for hours a week after Child2 was born to retrieve it.  He loves it.  He carries it everywhere.

Me?  I'm not impressed and won't get one of my own.  I've tried to like it, but I'm just not that cool.  Here's what's stopping me:

• I already have a netbook.  It runs Flash.  And any other software I want on any browser I want.
• I have a smaller, more portable iPad already:  it's called an iPhone.  There's nothing the iPad can do that I want to do that I can't do on the iPhone.
• I found typing near impossible on it.  I really tried to use it as my computer at home for a week and gave up after trying to write an email for an hour.  The netbook has a tiny keyboard, but it still has real keys.  (And I know that you could plug a keyboard into the iPad, but why?)
• Being able to watch streaming media on it was cool for a day, but I can get Netflix on our Blu-ray player which is hooked up to our 54" television, which is a much better experience.  

One thing I really do like about the iPad is tactile web browsing.  You want to look at something -- touch it.  You want to zoom in on something, you expand it using your hands.  It's much more enjoyable than a mouse. My fantasy future has this technology for all computers.  

Oh dear: Top Shot

Yesterday, Husband started watching a new reality show on the History channel:  Top Shot.

It is a reality show about people shooting.  Like Top Chef, but with guns.  I immediately forgot the name of the show and began calling it Top Gun (also known as "When Guns Attack".

The show is an elimination show. It starts off with 16 shooters and eliminates one each week . . . with shooting competitions. Seriously. They made a show about this. What is next, "Top Paint Dry Watching?" "Top Knitter"?

I found the whole thing so dull I didn't bother to watch much and won't be watching it again.  Give me old fashioned reality where people drink and fight.  Bringing guns into that equation is not safe.

I Am Not Cool Enough For: FourSquare

One of my colleagues asked me if I use FourSquare or Gowalla*.  I use neither.

For those of you just as uncool as me, FourSquare and Gowalla and similar applications for your mobile device allow you to "check in" at locations and earn badges. In FourSquare, you can be the mayor of a place, and I'm not sure what that's all about.

The fact is, I'm so lame that really, no one has any interest in the places I go. In the last week, I've been to:

• Target
• HEB
• Yoga
• The outdoor mall near my home
• A handful of not cool restrurants

And that's pretty much it.  I don't go anyplace cool enough to let other people know about.

*Apparently, I'm so not cool, I didn't realize that the app is name Gowalla and not Govella and Husband had to correct me.  

Oh dear.: Extreme Dr. 90210: Dr. Rey Returns

Husband frequently watches shows on the Weather, History, or Science channel that involve some sort of natural disaster or man made object falling, breaking, or destroying other objects.  I refer to these as "When X Attacks."  For example, if he's watching a show about super cranes falling down, I call that "When Super Cranes Attack."  Other shows he's watched include, "When Tsunamis Attack" and "When Gigant Guns Attack."

So, he can't be blamed for thinking I was kidding when he asked what I was watching this morning, and I replied, "Extreme Dr. 90210:  Dr. Rey Returns."

For those of you unfamiliar with the E channel's show, Dr. 90210, you are a far better person than I.  Dr. 90210 follows a few plastic surgeons and a few of their patients.  It has been off of the air for a while, possibly because of the recession?, but I happened to notice a listing for "Extreme Dr. 90210" (filmed in 2009) and "Extreme Dr. 90210:  Dr Rey Returns" (filmed in 2010).

(I had the pleasure of meeting one of the doctors on a train in France, but that is a story for another time.)

Dr. Rey is certainly the most . . . interesting of the doctors so I was extremely excited about his return.  Why the interest?

Exhibit 1:  Scrubs.  Notice the sleeves on Dr. Rey's scrubs, or lack thereof.  Specially tailored to show off his arms.  I don't think you can buy scrubs like that at a medical supply store.

Exhibit 2:  Outlandish clothing.  Dr. Rey may have been the model customer the Ed Hardy people were thinking about when creating their t-shirt line.  Here's a recent example I found on Dr. Rey's Twitter feed:

(The crazily skinny woman next to him is his wife, Haley, who also frequently appears on the show.)

Exhibit 3:  Dr. Rey's website.  A quote:  "While the term "Renaissance man" is frequently overused, Dr. Rey is the rare individual to whom this might apply. Author, lecturer, medical broadcaster, actor, artist and martial artist, his ability to focus and excel is noteworthy. He is a current Screen Actors Guild member"

Other characteristics of Dr. Rey include a silly girlish laugh, the ability to speak Portugese and Spanish, and a black belt in Tae Kwan Do.

The extreme show special also focuses on some other people and doctors too, but whatever.  And the show did not disappoint in showing how crazy Dr. Rey is.  The show opens up with Dr. Rey arriving in Honduras with a Telemundo presenter.  First stop, the President's house to ask for a medical license (huh?), for which Dr. Rey is late, but first they stop and take pictures with the machine guns the police are carrying at the airport.   Wearing a hilarious pink shirt under his suit, Dr. Rey finally shows up at the President's house.  El Presidente also has a black belt in Tae Kwan Do, and Dr. Rey attempts to get the El Presidente to spar with him in his equivalent of the oval office.  El Presidente looks at Dr. Rey as if he is crazy, and walks off.

Next stop is the hospital, where he decides to perform surgery on a girl with a cleft palate, who he later visits at home.  While it would seem that this is the entire purpose of the show, maybe 5 minutes is dedicated to this.

Next, Dr. Rey and Telemundo go to some beachy Honduras location where a billionaire is building a clinic for Dr. Rey to come practice "in paradise."  Dr. Rey Skypes with his family back in L.A. and starts telling his wife about how the the billionaire is also building a home for them, and how they are going to live there 6 months a year.  Haley, knowing there are TV cameras around, does not start screaming at him or hang up on him, like the rest of us would.  Haley's mom in the background (who has made it clear in other episodes that she is not a fan of Dr. Rey) looks like she is going to go off on him.  Dr. Rey shows his family his outfit, which includes white pants and matching white shoes, which his daughter says looks stupid (which of course, is true.)

Eventually, Dr. Rey returns to L.A. where he views pictures of the cleft lip patient (who looks much better) and discusses moving to Honduras again with his wife six months out the year since the billionaire has built him this clinic and all, and Haley stops short of telling Dr. Rey he is more than welcome to move to Honduras permanently--alone.

I'm hoping E brings back Dr. 90210 on a more permanent basis because this man is crazy and is addictive to watch.  I need more than this mere sample of bad outfits, poor decision making, and disregard for his wife!  I need a weekly fix.  Help me E!

A Love Letter to Taco Deli

Dear Taco Deli,

I love your tacos.  LOVE THEM.  So, it breaks my heart that with a talent so large, you are in a space so small.  Unless the weather is beautiful outside and I know I can sit outside, when I go to you, I know that I might as well get my tacos to go.  And that's not really relaxing, which is what lunch is all about, and I can't have dinner with you, since you aren't open for dinner.

Knowing you aren't going to change your size, I considered getting some tacos to go yesterday, but the size of your line made it unbearable.  I tried calling in an order to go, but you kept me on hold so long I finally realized that you just aren't into me.

I will always think fondly of you and your sirloin mole tacos,
Me

Watch this: Wipeout

To me, nothing says summer like the return of Wipeout!, the funniest show on television.

The concept is simple:  about 20 contestants make their way through a water obstacle course, the apex of which is an obstacle called "the big red balls", which is made up of . . . big red balls that the contestants must bounce across to reach the other side, like a bridge that doesn't work at all.  The obstacles change from week to week as well, but generally also include a wall of punching arms which propel the contestant into mud.  The top contestants with the best time go on to another challenge, more are eliminated, there's another challenge where more are eliminated and finally the top two or three go to the final wipeout obstacle course.

And it's hilarious.  Running commentary is provided by John Anderson and John Henson, who also provide nicknames for the contestants so you don't get confused.  Watching people fall off or get knocked off the obstacles is just funny and on the rare occasion someone actually completes an obstacle, it's awe-inspiring.

Hello World!

So, I've never wanted to be "one of those people that blog." But, I was reading the introduction to a book that was a collection of mommy writings of bloggers, and in the intro, one of the authors talked about blogging being a way to write. I know it's obvious, but I hadn't really considered the fact that keeping a blog would allow me to write without the commitment and time (which I don't have) to write a novel. I'll use this space to comment on funny things that happen to me or pop culture.

A few years ago, Husband and I were talking about if I did have a blog, I'm really not cool enough to have one, so I would have to name is "I Am So Not Cool." And so here we are!