Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Oh dear: Southwest Airlines

Southwest Airlines recently kicked off two women off of their plane for sharing a kiss.  They recently kicked off the Green Day frontman for wearing baggy pants and Kevin Smith for being fat.   All of which we can agree is pretty stupid.

I say if Southwest Airlines is going to continue kicking people off of planes for stupid reasons, there's no reason why I shouldn't be the one to set the rules.  In my last gig I traveled 40% of the time, frequently on Southwest, so I am clearly the best judge for inappropriate airplane behavior.

Gay or straight women or men sharing small pecks or totally making out, baggy or tight pants wearing people, fat and skinny people, breastfeeding mommies, and combinations of all are all allowed on my plane.  Not allowed on my Southwest Airlines flights:

  1. People who bring smelly food on the plane.  Where did you find a tuna fish sandwich in the airport, and why did you bring it on the plane?
  2. People who paint their nails on the plane.  (Not making this up -- actually happened to me.)
  3. People watching movies that include an airplane crash.  Like, really, this is the best time to watch the Lost pilot?
  4. Anyone watching a movie without headphones
  5. If I'm traveling without my children, I don't want to sit next to yours either
  6. People who insist on sitting in the middle seat, next to you, though there are many other available seats on the plane.  The middle seat is the seat of last resort.  Treat it as such.  
  7. Anyone who wants to chat with me on the plane.  Planes are for napping.  I have on occasion put headphones in my ears that are not plugged into anything trying to remove myself from chatters.
  8. People hitting on me on the plane.  I'm married.  Even when I wasn't married, I wore a fake wedding ring when traveling as apparently, if you are a single woman traveling on a Southwest plane, since Southwest allows you to pick your own seat, many people confuse it for match.com.  It's not a singles bar--it's a transportation device that is taking me to a vacation or work spot, and I'm just not that into you.
  9. People who don't help the mom traveling by herself with three kids trying to get their luggage into the overhead compartment.  (For the record, loudly saying several rows away in my Texas accent, "Ma'am, do you need some help with your luggage?" did inspire several capable people around her to assist.)
  10. People putting all of their luggage in the overhead bin on a very full flight though some of their luggage could fit under the seat in front of them.
  11. People putting their luggage in the overhead bin with the wheels the opposite way as indicated on the sign on the bin (out instead of in or vice versa.)  
You can advocate for my rule setting on Southwest's Facebook page, or otherwise tell them how you feel about their random policies.